I would like to digress a little now from the usual topics on this board to discuss something which is of extreme importance to me, and has been a peeve of mine since I was twelve years old. That is, how the cultural institutions in our society are able to manufacture beauty where none exists.

The first week of play at Wimbledon began on Monday, and as always on the first day of any Grand Slam tennis tournament, one of the big stories was the utterly predictable defeat of Anna Pornikova, err, Kournikova. I’ve always thought the saga of the Russian lolita was more amusing than sad, since I have no idea why anyone thinks she’s that good-looking to begin with. I understand that beauty is largely a subjective criterion, and that different men might see something extraordinary in even the basest of creatures, but c’mon !! For about five years, the media has hyped this mediocrity, first as a tennis prodigy, later as a groupie for the Red Wings, then as a pin-up girl, and she’s NOTHING. SHE ISN’T ATTRACTIVE. She can do all the calendars she wants, dress up in tight, revealing outfits, get her picture taken by the top photographers, have all her warts air-brushed out later, and she still is a chubby faux-blonde who has no game.

It’s times like this that I feel like the victim of some big media joke, and eventually I’m going to get the punch-line. Every so often, a magazine like People, Vanity Fair, or EW will pretend that Linda Evangelista, Julia Roberts, Christina Ricci, Paris Hilton, Helena Bonham-Carter, or some other femme is hot, and we, the public, are encouraged to go along with it, even if we wonder why so much hype (and money) is being devoted to hatchet-faced women. A few years back, Vanity Fair did a cover story on the next big bombshell in Hollywood: Gretchen Mol (I kid you not). She wasn’t even cute, she hadn’t been in anything of note, and VF was hyping her as if she was one of the Miller Sisters. I’m sorry if I’m beginning to sound insensitive, but Julia Roberts is not now, nor has she ever been, pretty !!!!! She’s a decent enough actress, but so is Angela Lansbury (who actually was quite hot about fifty years ago). At some point, though, “Hollywood” decided that a nice pair of lips, a decent body, and some solid acting chops added up to sex appeal, and imposed it on the rest of society.

Even more ridiculous are supermodels. Just as Jackie Robinson broke the color-line in baseball, Evangelista shattered the ugly barrier in modeling, and paved the way for women such as Naomi Campbell, Heidi Klum, and others to ply their craft. By the way, has anyone seen the new Cover Girl ad with “supermodel” Niki Taylor. I didn’t think you were supposed to notice the make-up. I feel sorry for the tragic accident she was in, and for the way-too-untimely death of her sister, but who knew that she would become the Tony Conigliaro of modeling. Enough said about that; she should try to retire with some semblance of dignity before she becomes indistinguishable from Carol Channing.

Lastly, there is the odd case of Jennifer Aniston. I’m inclined to believe that she must be more attractive in person than she is on TV, where she is the third most attractive actress on Friends. Anyway, if any of you have a selection for the most overrated beautiful woman in the world, click the magic button on the top and let me know.
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